Post-trip Slump

Since returning from Quebec on Sunday, I've been in a scientific slump. I'm in the middle of a cDNA prep and I can't tell if it's my primers or the sequencing facility. Also I had to come back and tell the summer student that half of what she had done since I was gone was invalid. I stressed that it was not her fault, but she took it pretty hard. Which makes me feel terrible because PCR is not difficult, just tedious and at times frustrating when someone else has contaminated the primers.

Burger, fries w/ mayo, and a big ol' glass of red. Welcome to Canada young parasitologist. 

Because of that and a few other things, for the past few days, I've felt like a scientific failure. Logically, I know I shouldn't feel that way. I applied for my first post-doc and have a phone interview this Friday and a likely interview/seminar in the future. I have several publications under my belt and lined up. One is almost, almost done and it has some pretty exciting findings (at least I think so). People at the conference treated me well and were interested in my research for the most part.

It's a fortress! Quebec City, Canada

But, sometimes things hit me all at once and I become stressed. And I don't deal well with my brain and its negative rumination. I tell myself that I'm a procrastinator, that I'd be happier if I had chosen a different career path, that no one believes I'm a good scientist...and then the personal attacks on myself start. It usually goes on for a few days and then I snap out of it. Both personal and professional things trigger it, and sometimes that's rough. It's difficult to be productive if you just feel like staying under the covers. Since not being productive is what I'm beating yourself up about, it becomes a bit of a cycle. At least in my head since I usually have too many responsibilities (i.e. my dog) to stay in bed all day and so I end up in the lab eventually.

View of the Château Frontenac from below the cliff. Quebec City, Canada. 

Soo...today I still feel terrible about myself and my research and my future, but I am working on it. I recognize that this is just a biochemical imbalance and thought motif that occurs in my mind. I can change it/fix it. Like Shakespeare's Hamlet said, "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." I may have paraphrased a bit, but there it is. I've invested in a cognitive behavior book and I'm following the lessons. Writing this blog is helping too.

He was playing "Annie's Song" by John Denver which is one of my favorites. 

Not really a science-post or a travel-post despite the pictures. Quebec was lovely and I enjoyed my time off. I'll work though my issues and be a better scientist and a better person for it.

Love,
Barbara